Cheese: The Delicious Bane of Man

I love dairy. It's fucking great. I used to often end a night by lying in bed with a big ass glass of milk and a chunk of cheese. The cheese itself I have no problem with; I don't think I've ever eaten shitty cheese once in my life. I've eaten a chunk of mozza that was sitting open on a counter and was all dried up like one of those white dogshits that have been lounging around in the back yard all summer. It was fucking delicious.

The wrapper is the issue. You cut the end open then try to slide it out and it's just stuck in there and won't come out to play. The only thing in the world with more friction than cheese-on-wrapper is Spiderman masturbating. You have to grab it by the end and shake it to try and coax the fucker out. Sounds like when you hold a plastic bag out a car window on the highway. It's deafening. I'm surprised neighbours don't knock on my door and be like "Listen, Kyle, I know it's 3AM and you wanna get at that delicious cheddar but we're trying to have a glass of water over here and you're Jurassic Parking the fuck out of it and now I need to borrow your mop."

You can just rip the whole thing off but then you gotta get plastic wrap out and that bastard is always doubling over on itself. That's just a whole nother can of assholes. We're not even gonna go there. Besides that, when you put it back in the fridge you stick it in that little dairy box on the door. That thing is a piece of shit. Every time you open the door all your cheese just jengas onto the floor. It's more of a pain in the ass than trying to fit an ass inside of your ass. You open the door, it falls. Open the door, it falls. Over and over and over. Whenever you go to get some juice you just tile the kitchen floor with Kraft singles. I don't even buy things that needs to be cold anymore. Why do I have to keep my cheese segregated in this one spot anyways? That's dumb. I've started putting my cheese on that dumb egg shelf. I'm sure it'll find a way to make me regret doing that some day though.

There's scientists looking through telescopes trying to find the secrets of the universe and spending billions of dollars to do so. They found this friggin Goldilocks planet hundreds of kilometers away that can support life and I'm still here struggling in my kitchen to get at my cheese before the macaroni boils off and burns. Fucking priorities, people.