How long the beast has to be chained up.

Being immortal would inevitably be the worst thing in the world. My reasoning is that if you're around forever then you will do everything eventually. It'd be awesome for a while but that's only temporary and since immortality is infinite then you got a whole lotta suck coming your way. You would literally do everything. Do you know how much stuff sucks? Most of it, that's how much. You're at the mercy of everything because no matter what you do everything is gonna happen. There is no way you could possibly not get herpes. It's gonna happen. Enjoy that for eternity, Prometheus. Ever been on swing set and go over the bar then get turned inside out? No? Just wait. It's gonna happen. Probably twice.

You're gonna get around too. When people travel they usually go to awesome places and are all like "Fuck yeah, Honey, get the camera and we're going to pretend we're holding up the leaning tower of Pisa because we're fucking assholes". Since you're going to live forever and do everything then you'll probably also travel everywhere as well. Nobody would ever want to go to the desert. There's a reason the word "deserted" is what it is. Don't wanna go? Too bad. You're somehow going to get there whether you want to or not. You're gonna walk around and get lost and tired. You'll lay down and give up eventually then sand is gonna blow over and bury you and you'll be there for a bazillion years only to emerge when the dune blows past you. Then you'll stand up and walk around, still lost, only to get buried again and then it just perpetuates and you're the sandiest son of a bitch in the world for the rest of your life. Oh, and you're immortal so that's for a fucking while too.

Living forever is like sharing a prison cell with geography and you're the bitch.

Here's some kind of friggin riddle for ya.

Knock knock. Someone's at your door. You answer it and there's three dudes standing there. One of them tells you to not to count your chickens before they hatch, another tells you not to keep all your eggs in one basket and the third makes some other bullshit insight involving poultry then they all hand over some cheap crap they got from Avon. You think it's over but then they all whip it out and jizz on your shoes. Who are you?

You're Jesus. The three wise men came bearing gifts.

Crêpes and craps

I was on a snowboarding trip to Quebec years ago and was staying in a hotel right in Quebec City. Some friends who took a train there booked some kind of lodge at the base of Mount St. Anne and I had taken a bus over from my hotel to meet up with them. After a day of snowboarding we went back to their place and ate some terrible crêpes. I had never had them before, I guess we ate them because they were French.

Now, I usually have extremely average shits and take pride in that fact. They aren't stinky or huge and don't even take long. I don't know if it was the crêpes or all the sex on the beaches that I drank the night before but some kind of happenings happened inside me and it resulted in the weirdest poop that ever happened. Like I mentioned, most of my shits are average as hell but then of course theres the odd time that they're absolutely terrible. It's just how it works. I'm not sure if this has ever happened to anyone else, I know it hasn't happened to me since, but I had a great shit. Just plain awesome. Not even the kind you're just glad it's over with but an all around awesome turd. It was extremely quick and clean and it actually smelled good. Great actually, it smelled great. I know it sounds disgusting but they could bottle that shit. It doesn't make any sense.

I was amazed that I just encountered poop that smelled good and even more so because it came from me. I walked out of the bathroom and proclaimed with the hubris of Caesar himself, "Guys, I just had the biggest shit ever and it smelled like something I would want to eat." Turns out my friends traveled up with one of their mothers who had just walked in the door behind me and hear my announcement. It was a little awkward when she tried to ignore it and asked if we ate yet, offering to make some crêpes.

I don't eat those anymore.

Pill, spill, n drill

Imagine this girl is doing her regular routine and she's got her hair in one of those towel hats that I can never get to stay together. She gets her yogurt, cus she's a girl and only girls eat yogurt, then takes her birth control pill. Few minutes pass and BAM! Yogurt all over the kitchen floor. Yogurt companies alienate half the market by choosing women as their sole demographic in their advertising. Anyway, bitch just puked. Gross.

She's all kinds of sick and she calls in to work and then plops down with some Neo Citran and her Friends DVD box set to feel like shit for the rest of the day. Her boyfriend comes home from work, sees her and gets all giddy and makes an innuendo about chicken "noodle" soup. This dude had some kind of weird shit happen to him when he was a child and now he's got a fetish for sick people. Nothing gets his goat more than housecoats and clammy skin.

He pounces on her like a West-African pouncing monkey and even though she feels shitty she thinks maybe it might take her mind off wanting to ralph so she goes along with it without giving it too much consideration. Meanwhile, her birth control is swaddled in yogurt dampened paper towel in the trash bin. That bitch just got a flu baby. Think about it.

Yoplait is sexist machine fueled by bacteria.

One thing. Forever.

"I'm sorry, I know you're just a child and this is a big decision but you have to choose. Sure, it'd be nice to grow up like a normal kid and play with others but you could be in McCain juice box commercials like Elvis for fuck's sake. It's 5AM, now go grab your skates and Superfries and meet me in the Windstar. We're going to the Sportsplex. Forever."

Old people

I always wondered why old people are so slow. It's like they don't care if they ever get to where they're going. I can understand that they aren't as mobile and walk slower but when they're driving there's no reason not to go at a normal pace. I always thought that they didn't have much time left so they'd probably be rushing to do everything before they croak. It didn't make any sense... but I've figured it out.

When you're a kid summer seemed like it lasted forever but now, even for me in my early 20's, that shit passes in no time and next thing you know your ass just got pounced by flannel shirts and one-size-fits-all cotton gloves. The older you are the quicker time passes simply because how a defined period relates to your overall age.

Think of it this way... If you're 10 then a year is 10% of your life. When you're 70 then a year is roughly 1.4% of your life. Therefore these old people pottering around in their Lincolns with the left turn signal on are in their minds just flying down the road. If you don't watch out you're gonna get fucking flattened by a geriatric speed demon doing 30 in a 50 zone.

I still have yet to figure out why every car with a veteran's plate on it is the most dangerous thing on the road.

Cheese: The Delicious Bane of Man

I love dairy. It's fucking great. I used to often end a night by lying in bed with a big ass glass of milk and a chunk of cheese. The cheese itself I have no problem with; I don't think I've ever eaten shitty cheese once in my life. I've eaten a chunk of mozza that was sitting open on a counter and was all dried up like one of those white dogshits that have been lounging around in the back yard all summer. It was fucking delicious.

The wrapper is the issue. You cut the end open then try to slide it out and it's just stuck in there and won't come out to play. The only thing in the world with more friction than cheese-on-wrapper is Spiderman masturbating. You have to grab it by the end and shake it to try and coax the fucker out. Sounds like when you hold a plastic bag out a car window on the highway. It's deafening. I'm surprised neighbours don't knock on my door and be like "Listen, Kyle, I know it's 3AM and you wanna get at that delicious cheddar but we're trying to have a glass of water over here and you're Jurassic Parking the fuck out of it and now I need to borrow your mop."

You can just rip the whole thing off but then you gotta get plastic wrap out and that bastard is always doubling over on itself. That's just a whole nother can of assholes. We're not even gonna go there. Besides that, when you put it back in the fridge you stick it in that little dairy box on the door. That thing is a piece of shit. Every time you open the door all your cheese just jengas onto the floor. It's more of a pain in the ass than trying to fit an ass inside of your ass. You open the door, it falls. Open the door, it falls. Over and over and over. Whenever you go to get some juice you just tile the kitchen floor with Kraft singles. I don't even buy things that needs to be cold anymore. Why do I have to keep my cheese segregated in this one spot anyways? That's dumb. I've started putting my cheese on that dumb egg shelf. I'm sure it'll find a way to make me regret doing that some day though.

There's scientists looking through telescopes trying to find the secrets of the universe and spending billions of dollars to do so. They found this friggin Goldilocks planet hundreds of kilometers away that can support life and I'm still here struggling in my kitchen to get at my cheese before the macaroni boils off and burns. Fucking priorities, people.