Chips

I'm pretty sure that there's no more of a process behind inventing chip flavors than mixing chemicals together, eating them and then slapping a name on it. Most have very little connection between the name and taste. It's sort of like when you try to describe a really bad smell to someone and start naming dead animals at different states of dampness and decay when just saying "an egg fart" would classify it pretty well. Salt and vinegar might be the only flavor that can claim to be well represented by it's name. And only the shitty kids like those shitty chips.

I've never had anything come off of a barbecue that tasted like barbecue potato chips... and I've barbecued potatoes. Now, I've never eaten the actual barbecue so maybe that's what it tastes like and if so then I guess the name fits. Though I suspect it tastes like propane, coal and pennies and having tasted each of those individually I can say I've never thought it a good idea to whip up a recipe out of those ingredients. They all suck worse than salt and vinegar.

In Canada not only do we have a flavor called "ketchup" but it's one of the basic ones that I can remember being around for my entire life. It seemed when I was a kid that there was only a few select flavors before they started going nuts. We had plain, BBQ, salt and vinegar, sour cream and onion, and ruffled. And yes, ruffled counts as a flavor. Now, the chips aren't supposed to taste like french fries or potatoes with ketchup. That'd kinda make sense. But no. Just ketchup. The condiment alone. It's like if instead of chocolate milk they made mustard milk and it came from cows who were fed a steady diet of sulphur.

Sour cream and bacon? Thankfully it doesn't actually taste like that combination. Everyone knows bacon is so delicious that vegetarians die alone. You can't add to perfection and make it better; you can only make it worse. But if it was bacon flavor then they'd probably just make you wish you were eating bacon. I don't know where this sour cream idea came from. They added that to everything and it all started with sour cream and onion. Doesn't that sound great? Come home from a long day's work and say "Honey, I'm home!" and she replies "How was your day at work dear?" You tell her "It fucking sucked, where the fuck is dinner" and she assures you that once you're seated in the dining room she'll bring out a big tray of onions and a vat of sour cream to dip it in. Delicious. It's almost worth all the bullshit you put up with all day once you get your first bite into that onion. Mmm, mmm. Fuck off.

When the influx of fucks friggin with flavors first unfolded I was fairly close to seven. I remember going to the Quick-Pick by my house and picking up this mystery bag of shit I've never heard of before. They were caesar salad flavor chips. Now, being a child I should know they would suck because I hated salads as every good sugar gorging kid did. I hated them but I spend my life savings of a whole fucking buck on that shit so I ate the whole bag. I got back home and my breath smelled like that of an amputee who was in a wheelbarrow race through an onion field. I suspect I probably doubled the number of times I'd brushed my teeth in my life in just the few days that followed. My mouth was shit forever. It took so long for that smell to dissipate. Never heard of caesar salad chips? Not surprised. I've never seen a bag of them them since.

Fucking thing sucked. Step it the fuck up, chips. Ice cream can get this shit done.