Eggnog

Eggnog sucks but it only sucks seasonally and even then it's not that serious of a snag. Me and eggnog have an understanding, you see. It doesn't get in my mouth and then I don't have to deal with it's bullshit and vice versa. Some music could learn a thing or two from eggnog.

Sometimes when two people get together they turn into one large annoying entity that consumes conversations and at times entire rooms. You may like one of these people but as soon as that second asshole turns up you've got a Voltron made out of bullshit and want nothing more than to tightly bundle a bindle of needles and jam it into their everywhere. In this one instance everyone but you is the first person and the second asshole is The Joker by the Steve Miller Band. As soon as that song comes on you know for a fact that every dickcock around you is going to perch on the edge of their seat and wait with catlike reflexes until they hear the word "Maurice" and then pounce at that guitar string bend with all the agility of a wet turd loosely wrapped in tinfoil. It's bad enough that if you're alone and you hear the song you know that if someone was present they would do it right in front of you even if they knew you hated it. George Zimmer can guarantee that. This happens far too often and neither I nor anybody else should be needlessly subjected to it. It should follow eggnog's lead and fuck off for a whole year.

One thing that I just plain don't need to have around is an overgrown homosexual suffering from head trauma that makes him believe he's become some kind of Shakespearian marvel. And that's exactly the human form Bohemian Rhapsody would take on and you know it. You wouldn't let that man anywhere near your home. It's uncalled for and the frequency that's it's played on the radio is probably detrimental to our physical health.

If druids were resurrected and due to an unfortunate result of culture shock started wearing shirts like Ricky from the Trailer Park Boys and playing frisbee then they would listen to Rush. Everyone would hate them. I already do. Just like I hate Rush.

The only way I can make it through Journey's Don't Stop Believing is to change the lyrics in my head to "Don't stop conceiving, hold onto that semen". Coincidentally the third ingredient to eggnog is semen. Don't put it near your cooch.