Ode à L'odeur

Today I had a dream described to me in which someone had used my bathroom and I played them a song I had written about shittin. Now, It may come as no surprise to some of you, but shit is actually the main subject of two poems I've written which I plan to publish and distribute in a zine of similar terrible things and the like. The following is a new poem which I dedicate to Emily.


Sometime when I see your turd
I lose my breath and fall short for words
It's porcelain nest, it's hue of brown
I barely achieve it's flushing down

You can sit on my lap while we both do our duty
Even the largest log couldn't rival your beauty
These lovely feelings and smells we procure
Surely could hold a match to manure

It's practically like we share an ass
Since your butt first touched where my butt has
We may as well, we share a heart
You smell of the sweetest fart

I want you here, perched upon my love seat
Time's never wasted when waste we excrete
Someday we'll build a home of poo
And I'll spend my days growing old with you

The tally is now three. I have three poop poems. This is my mind. This is my life.

Crêpes and craps

I was on a snowboarding trip to Quebec years ago and was staying in a hotel right in Quebec City. Some friends who took a train there booked some kind of lodge at the base of Mount St. Anne and I had taken a bus over from my hotel to meet up with them. After a day of snowboarding we went back to their place and ate some terrible crêpes. I had never had them before, I guess we ate them because they were French.

Now, I usually have extremely average shits and take pride in that fact. They aren't stinky or huge and don't even take long. I don't know if it was the crêpes or all the sex on the beaches that I drank the night before but some kind of happenings happened inside me and it resulted in the weirdest poop that ever happened. Like I mentioned, most of my shits are average as hell but then of course theres the odd time that they're absolutely terrible. It's just how it works. I'm not sure if this has ever happened to anyone else, I know it hasn't happened to me since, but I had a great shit. Just plain awesome. Not even the kind you're just glad it's over with but an all around awesome turd. It was extremely quick and clean and it actually smelled good. Great actually, it smelled great. I know it sounds disgusting but they could bottle that shit. It doesn't make any sense.

I was amazed that I just encountered poop that smelled good and even more so because it came from me. I walked out of the bathroom and proclaimed with the hubris of Caesar himself, "Guys, I just had the biggest shit ever and it smelled like something I would want to eat." Turns out my friends traveled up with one of their mothers who had just walked in the door behind me and hear my announcement. It was a little awkward when she tried to ignore it and asked if we ate yet, offering to make some crêpes.

I don't eat those anymore.