Avocados

Avocados aren't even a real thing.

Upkeep

All of the dumb bullshit you have to do in order to stay alive is annoying. Almost your entire life is spent keeping yourself from dying or breaking down.

Eating is just a pain in the ass. You have to go buy groceries over and over again and then take them home and make food. Eating is alright sometimes but for the most part it's just something you have to do so you just shovel some stomach coal down your throat and just keep on chuggin on. It's all just going to be poop anyways. Half of the time I spend grocery shopping is spent making sure I don't buy some kind of no-fat trickery and the other half is spent just looking down the aisles and knowing that it's all going to be shit soon. If they just stocked the shelves with shit and we bought it, ate it, shit it out and sold it back to the grocery store I think we'd all be paradoxically happier at the end of the day.

Sleep is a pain in the ass. You die and go to heaven and St. Peter says "What have you done to deserve to get in here?" and you reply "Welp, for half of my time on Earth I was a good person and whatnot. Then for the other half of it I spent it doing fuck all." The dude would look at you, stamp "null and void" on your forehead and then send you off to purgatory.

Then there's so much shit you have to do to keep all your crap working. The bathroom is basically a garage. If something breaks down inside you then you're basically useless and have to get hoisted up so doctors can prod at all your wiring and shit. I'm just glad that in Canada you don't have to pay parts and labour.

By the time you do all this stuff to keep yourself operational you've pretty much wasted your whole life just trying to survive. You get like a couple hours a day to actually enjoy it and then all you do with that window is check Twitter. Cheetahs don't do anything but run at food and then eat it. They just barely survive and they look perfectly content. I've never in my life seen a Cheetah with a problem. Cheetahs don't need Twitter and doctors and herbal shampoo for fine or oily hair with bullshit lilac moisturizing additives.

Bodies suck. Cheetahs are cool

Chips

I'm pretty sure that there's no more of a process behind inventing chip flavors than mixing chemicals together, eating them and then slapping a name on it. Most have very little connection between the name and taste. It's sort of like when you try to describe a really bad smell to someone and start naming dead animals at different states of dampness and decay when just saying "an egg fart" would classify it pretty well. Salt and vinegar might be the only flavor that can claim to be well represented by it's name. And only the shitty kids like those shitty chips.

I've never had anything come off of a barbecue that tasted like barbecue potato chips... and I've barbecued potatoes. Now, I've never eaten the actual barbecue so maybe that's what it tastes like and if so then I guess the name fits. Though I suspect it tastes like propane, coal and pennies and having tasted each of those individually I can say I've never thought it a good idea to whip up a recipe out of those ingredients. They all suck worse than salt and vinegar.

In Canada not only do we have a flavor called "ketchup" but it's one of the basic ones that I can remember being around for my entire life. It seemed when I was a kid that there was only a few select flavors before they started going nuts. We had plain, BBQ, salt and vinegar, sour cream and onion, and ruffled. And yes, ruffled counts as a flavor. Now, the chips aren't supposed to taste like french fries or potatoes with ketchup. That'd kinda make sense. But no. Just ketchup. The condiment alone. It's like if instead of chocolate milk they made mustard milk and it came from cows who were fed a steady diet of sulphur.

Sour cream and bacon? Thankfully it doesn't actually taste like that combination. Everyone knows bacon is so delicious that vegetarians die alone. You can't add to perfection and make it better; you can only make it worse. But if it was bacon flavor then they'd probably just make you wish you were eating bacon. I don't know where this sour cream idea came from. They added that to everything and it all started with sour cream and onion. Doesn't that sound great? Come home from a long day's work and say "Honey, I'm home!" and she replies "How was your day at work dear?" You tell her "It fucking sucked, where the fuck is dinner" and she assures you that once you're seated in the dining room she'll bring out a big tray of onions and a vat of sour cream to dip it in. Delicious. It's almost worth all the bullshit you put up with all day once you get your first bite into that onion. Mmm, mmm. Fuck off.

When the influx of fucks friggin with flavors first unfolded I was fairly close to seven. I remember going to the Quick-Pick by my house and picking up this mystery bag of shit I've never heard of before. They were caesar salad flavor chips. Now, being a child I should know they would suck because I hated salads as every good sugar gorging kid did. I hated them but I spend my life savings of a whole fucking buck on that shit so I ate the whole bag. I got back home and my breath smelled like that of an amputee who was in a wheelbarrow race through an onion field. I suspect I probably doubled the number of times I'd brushed my teeth in my life in just the few days that followed. My mouth was shit forever. It took so long for that smell to dissipate. Never heard of caesar salad chips? Not surprised. I've never seen a bag of them them since.

Fucking thing sucked. Step it the fuck up, chips. Ice cream can get this shit done.

New Years Resolutions

All numbers and points in time are irrelevant. Positive change should be a constant or the only other option is a conservation of negativity. Get dicks. Slap tits. Jump over a patch of grass every day and eventually it will have grown so high that you've gradually built up the ability to jump at escape velocity. Jump to the stars that others dream to reach towards until halfway through February. Now you are a star. Now they reach to you. Never turn back. Keep your back to them. Let them grasp at the air behind your ass and know that your bottom is higher than their top. Get. Dicks.

The Middle Woman

So imagine you're having the intercourse with some lady. Doesn't matter which one (does it ever?) because it's hypothetical, but it can be Wendy Peffercorn if you want. So you're all givin the go and you're about to finish so you pull out and then jerk off on her. You just traded down from Wendy to Palm a la Handerson.

I submit that masturbation is a sign of intelligence when it comes to sensibility and efficiency.

Myles

I used to work in a processing plant with a paring knife picking potatoes off a conveyer belt. It was a real shit job and I once got so bored that I stuck the knife into the belt just to watch it snap and go flying. Now I work with an X-acto knife and the only thing to stab is myself so when I get really bored I flick on the radio. Where I live there's this one station that's a recipe made with ⅓ decent shit, ⅓ terrible shit and ⅓ listening to the god damned fucking DJ. I've grown to not only hate his voice but him as a person. I hope he comes around when I'm bored at work.

Strap ons

Two lesbians are friggin. One of them is doing the other with a strap on but doing a real crappy job. If the other one doesn't orgasm then how do they know when they're finished? They'd just keep going.

Forever.